And no ... I’m not talking about that super awesome John Legend / Adele song, Rolling in the Deep. Applying to St Andrews back in February, and then waiting til mid-June to hear back was not just one of the most stressful times in my life (I’ll get to that part), but was also the biggest leap of faith I’ve ever taken.
From the time I left St Andrews in May 2010 following a semester abroad there, I had what I came to refer to as “Plan A” planted in my mind and my heart. Plan A consisted of the following: get into the Master’s program for Peace and Conflict Studies, get a job that paid to fill the summer in between. Not hard at all, right? Wrong. I learned the biggest lesson in faith waiting for my Plan A to come to fruition. I had to not only go to the deepest parts of faith, but I had to sit there and wait. For a really long time, I might add.
So here’s my story of how I got to here, and how I had to wait in the deep. Following my semester abroad, I knew that I had to go back to St Andrews. I couldn’t (and still can’t) explain how I knew, but I just did. As the months passed, my desire to go back grew to the point where it became all-consuming. But with that all-consuming drive and purpose came an all-consuming fear that my instinct was wrong and this wasn’t the path that had been laid before me long before I was even a thought. That was a terrifying thought. So terrifying, that it affected my application process, and I took much longer than intended to finish it. My target was to turn in my application during the Christmas break - that didn’t quite happen. The part I struggled with most was thinking, “How on Earth can I convey just how badly I want this?” I struggled through writing my cover letter in January, and sent multiple drafts to people collecting as much feedback as I could. I even began to convince myself that this wasn’t what I wanted. Finally on February 15, I decided it was time to let go of the fear and just get it over with. Below is an excerpt from where I tried to show the admissions reviewers just how much I wanted to return to St Andrews:
My final reason for wanting to attend St Andrews is much more personal than academic. During my semester at the University, I had several opportunities to leave town and travel around Britain and Europe. I remember one evening, after two weeks of spring holiday being on the bus from Leuchars back to St Andrews, feeling absolutely exhausted from the trip. My travel companion said to me, “I’m tired and all I want is to get back so I can get chips from Empire.” I smiled and nodded, but was not willing to disclose my own reason to be happy to return. In the short span of time since my arrival, St Andrews had become my home, and I was simply glad to be returning ot it. As the spire of St Salvator’s Chapel came into view, I felt irrepressible joy. In that moment, the idea that had been percolating in my mind for several weeks broke free - one term was not enough to satiate my love for this University. I knew I would have to apply to return for more, which is where I find myself today. Returning to St Andrews for an additional year of study would be like returning home for me. The environment not only stimulates me as a student, but motivates me and helps me realise what kind of student and individual I desire to become.
Clearly, I was lying to myself by trying to say I didn’t want it. I sent off my application, and then began to wait.
I waited ... and waited ... and waited. I sat at the very deepest point of faith, holding my breath, waiting for any sign of, well anything. For two months, I didn’t get a decent night of sleep - I kept waking up to check my email, my phone never left my side, and it took me a long time to get to sleep. From the time I went to bed until noon, I was on edge, every day, for 8 weeks. Then, 8 weeks, which is what I was told would be the maximum time to hear back, came and went. And still I sat. Tom Petty’s “The Waiting” became my theme song.
On April 28, I sat in Arabic class - by this point, I was compulsively checking my email every 10 minutes throughout class (sorry, Shereen). As I got up from my desk at the end of class, checked my phone, and saw it. The only thing I needed to see. An email titled “Offer Letter from the University of St Andrews”. I opened it, downloaded the attached PDF, and waited. The first line said,
“Dear Miss Serex
I am very pleased to offer you admission to the Faculty of Arts at the University of St Andrews to read for the Degree of M.Litt Peace and Conflict Studies, with effect from 26 September 2011.”
I didn’t read any further (and you’ll see later why I should have). I exploded out of my chair, looked at my teacher and said, “SHEREEN! I GOT INTO MY MASTERS PROGRAM! I’M GOING TO SCOTLAND!” We hugged and danced and then I ran out the building to call my mom.
“Mom? I GOT IN!”
More remote dancing, crying, laughing, and refrains of “I love you. I’m proud of you.”
Call Jim.
“Jim? I GOT IN!”
Etc. etc. etc.
Call MomEl and Grandaddy.
“MomEl, Grandaddy? I’M GOING TO ST ANDREWS!”
Call JKirk (yes, I was so elated that I called my favorite professor).
“JKirk? I GOT INTO ST ANDREWS!” (yes, I did call my professor, JKirk)
Walk into Political Science office.
“PAT! I’M GOING TO ST ANDREWS!”
Etc. etc. etc.
Sit down at Political Science computer to bask in the glory of my accomplishment, revel in my academic prowess and read the letter until fully memorized.
“Dear Miss Serex, I am very pleased to offer you admission to the Faculty of Arts at the University of St Andrews to read for the Degree of M.Litt Peace and Conflict Studies, with effect from 26 September 2011. This offer is made on condition that you are awarded your current degree with a GPA of 3.6 or above.”
And stop. Read sentence again multiple times. Call mom.
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